Bolognius Maximus

Zim sits alone at a table in the skool cafeteria. He has a tray full of the cafeteria food. He pokes a sandwich with his fork and it squeaks. Zim watches as Smerve, who is sitting at the table across from Zim, stuffs his own sandwich into his mouth. Zim looks over at another table where kids are devouring their lunch. One kid licks his empty tray. Zim sniffs his food and spits.

Dib: You know, anyone who watches you obsessively everyday would notice that you never actually eat any of the food. Why is that, Zim? Don't like the taste, or is it something more?

Dib lifts up a slice of bologna from Zim's tray and holds it in front of Zim.

Dib: A weakness?

Zim: Don't be ridiculous!

Zim knocks away the bologna by slapping Dib's arm.

Zim: I have already stuffed my normal human belly so full of delicious human FILTH that I could not eat another bite.

Dib: Bologna!

Dib tosses the slice of Bologna at Zim and it hits him in the face. It starts to sizzle and steam on Zim's skin. Zim screams and jumps on the table. He runs over to the edge of the table.

Zim: The meat! The meat! The horrible meat!

Dib laughs as Zim falls off of the edge of the table. Dib walks away laughing as Zim lies on the ground with a bologna colored welt where the bologna burned his skin. The words 'THE NEXT DAY' appear as Dib's laughter is still heard. Spoo and Dib run into the skool. Spoo runs into the class and runs to his desk and Dib walks in behind him.

Ms. Bitters: You're late, Dib! This is the third time this week.

Dib: Sorry, Ms. Bitters. I was in the biology room trying to get pictures of that vampire gerbil in action.

Ms. Bitters: That excuse is getting old! Sit down!

Dib walks over towards his desk. Zim scratches the bologna welt. Dib walks over to Zim's desk.

Dib: Are you still mad about that thing with the sandwich?

Zim groans and pounds his desk. Brian grabs Zim's face and tugs on it.

Brian: Hey Bologna Boy!

Zita points at Zim.

Zita: You got bologna on his head!

Zim gets up and feels his bologna welt. The class laughs.

Zim: That's it, Dib. Laugh now, yes. Laugh and frolic in your vile meats of evil.. Meats of evil!

A voice chants 'Meats of Evil.'

Zim: But know that vengeance shall be mine! Oh, how it will be mine!

Dib sits down at his desk and springs back up with a gasp of pain.

Dib: Ow!

Dib feels his behind. Zim laughs. Dib looks at his chair and sees a tack. Dib lifts up the tack and looks at it.

Dib: This is your vengeance, Zim? A tack? That's pathetic! Even for you!

Ms. Bitters: Class, today's horrible lecture is about something horrible. Open your horrible textbooks to page 2038.

Close-up on Dib. Even more close-up so we see Dib's skin and then at a microscopic level. Cut to Zim (out of disguise) in his lab, looking at the same microscopic image displayed on a monitor.

Zim: Beautiful. If Dib's cellular reaction is the same as it is for these test cells, then my vengeance will truly be complete. Sleep well this night, miserable human.

Cut to Dib's room. It is night. Dib sleeps in his bed.

Zim's voice: For it will be the last peaceful sleep you will ever know.

A voice chants 'Meats of evil' again. The next morning, an ambulance drives down the street causing some birds on a branch to scatter as Dib and Gaz walk out of their house on their way to skool.

Dib: They try and say it's just a regular mountain range on the Martian surface, and it's just a trick of the light, but come on! It is so a monkey face.

Two dogs walk up to Dib. The smaller one starts sniffing him.

Dib: Go away!

Dib nudges the larger dog in the face with his foot.

Gaz: Looks like you finally found some friends who actually wanna be around you.

Gaz starts walking across the street. A whole bunch of dogs run down the street towards Dib. Dib screams. The smaller dog clings to his back. Dib waves his hand behind him to knock off the small dog, but it bites his hand. Dib groans.

Dib: Quit it!

The dog lets go of Dib's hand and jumps off of his back. Dib sucks on the place where the dog bite his hand.

Dib: Hey... I'm delicious!

Dib runs across the street to where Gaz is.

Dib: Gaz! Taste me! I'm delicious!

Gaz slowly starts to back away, then turns around and starts running. Dib licks his hand. The dogs surround Dib, growling. Dib screams. Cut to Ms. Bitters' class. Ms. Bitters is writing something on the chalk board. Dib walks in, panting. His clothes are all torn up. Ms. Bitters turns around to face him, pointing the chalk at him. Dib walks towards his desk. He is scratched up and his ears are bitten.

Ms. Bitters: Late again, Dib! And what is it this time? Vampire babies or bigfoot mailmen?

Dib: Dogs... chasing me... So many dogs!

Zita: Hey...

Zita holds her nose.

Zita: What's that nasty sandwichy smell?

Class: Ew...

Sara gags and holds her mouth.

Sara: I guess its- (Sara gags and holds her mouth) -Dib!

Sara points at Dib.

Carl: Dude. Dude!

A fly flies past Carl.

Carl: I left my underwear on for a month once and it kinda smelled like he does!

Zita holds her hands over her mouth to keep herself from barfing. Most of the other classmates plug their noses.

Zim: Who's the joke now, Dib? I told you you'd suffer my revenge and now look at you!

Dib: What? Your mind controlling slobbery dogs now? Real scary, space boy. A quick shower and your vengeance just washes right off.

Off screen Kid: Aw man! I'm gonna throw up!

Sara: The stink! The stink!

The top of Sara's head goes into smoke. She falls limp onto her desk.

Ms. Bitters: Silence! If I have to put up with the awesome force of your collective child stench everyday, then so shall you all!

Dib sits down. He sniffs his hand.

Dib: What... is that smell?

Dib licks his hand.

Dib: So familiar!

Ms. Bitters: The skool has lost its funding for textbooks, so you've all been given wildlife survival manuals. Today you will be quizzed on how to skin a moose!

Ms. Bitters starts sniffing the air. Ms. Bitters gets onto her desk. She then walks through the classroom, sniffing the air and grunting.

The Letter M: Ms. Bitters, I think there's a skinned moose somewhere in the class!

The Letter M falls out of his desk, smoke rising from his body.

Ms. Bitters: Dib!

Ms. Bitters slithers over to Dib.

Ms. Bitters: You stink! Go to the bathroom and roll around in the toilet until you smell better!

Dib: But I'll smell like the toilet!

Ms. Bitters: Exactly.

Dib: But... Willy was the last one to use it!

The camera pans to the back of the class where a filthy child sits at one of the tables behind the desks. Willy laughs.

Ms. Bitters: Now!

Dib starts walking towards the door.

Zim: Oh yeah, Dib. Uh, my vengeance is now complete.

The class cheers. Cut to the bathroom. Dib scrubs his hands in soapy water in the sink. Dib licks his arm.

Dib: Nope... Still delicious! No one should be this delicious! What's going on!?!

Dib groans and the tack falls from his coat. Dib picks up the tack and examines it. Close-up, it appears to be an alien device.

Dib: Zim!

Dib sets up his computer in one of the stalls. He hooks up a device to the laptop and sticks the tack into the device. He presses a button on the device and it creates a swirl of energy above it.

Dib: Computer, analyze. Run a chemical check. Is there any unusual foreign substance on the tack?

Computer: Analysis done. Unknown substance detected.

Dib: And my skin sample, does it contain the same substance?

Computer: Yes. Substance detected in Dib cells.

Dib: So, a foreign DNA sequence! And Zim got it inside me by making me sit on that tack! Computer, where did this DNA originate from?

Computer: Analyzing...

The computer shows an image of the DNA. That changes to an image of a cell. That image zooms out until it is a group of cells. That image zooms out until it shows a child eating a Bologna sandwich. Bologna sausages are in the background. the child's shirt says 'Balogna.'

Dib: Bologna! Zim has introduced bologna DNA into my body!?! Computer, have I absorbed the bologna?

Computer: No. Subject Dib has been fused with subject Bologna.

Dib: Noooooooooooooo!!!

In the stall next to the one Dib is in, Billy Slunchy is pressed up against the wall in fear. Billy wets his pants. Cut to Ms. Bitters' class. Ms. Bitters holds the wildlife manual and has it open to a page showing a picture of a moose. Zim waves his arms.

Ms. Bitters: Zim?

Zim: Is it a fair fight? Is this moose creature wielding any sort of projectile weapons?

Ms. Bitters: No. No it's not.

Dib bursts in. The students cover their noses.

Kids: Ewww...

Dib: I know what you've done, Zim, and it's not funny!

Zim: I don't know what you're talking about. Get away from me, sandwich boy!

Dib tackles Zim.

Dib: The cure! Make it stop, Zim! Make this thing you've done to me stop!

Zim smacks Dib away.

Zim: There is no cure! And I'll never make it stop! You might as well resign yourself to your meaty fate! I told you you would forever rue the day you messed with Zim! Now, begin your ruing!

Zim sits back down.

Zim: I'll just sit here and... watch.

Zim starts laughing. He continues laughing for a long time. Dib looks around at the class. They are all covering their noses. Carl as his beanie pulled over his face. Dib starts sweating.

Dib: Nooooooooo!

Dib bursts out of the classroom and runs out of the skool. As he exits the skool, a giant Zim looms over the skool building, still laughing. Fade back to the classroom, where Zim is still laughing. Zim stops laughing and looks at the rest of the students. Zim clears his throat. Cut to Zim walking home. As Zim walks, two dogs run past him. Zim turns to face the direction the dogs were heading to. He sees a bunch of dogs licking Dib. Dib's head is now circular.

Dib: I know all about your little trick, Zim. I must admit, it's a pretty good joke. I... I think it deserves some praise.

Dib holds out a hand to Zim.

Zim: Finally, the day has come. It's about time you acknowledged me as the superior being I so am. It will make my victory even sweeter to know that-

Zim takes Dib's hand and yanks his hand back in pain, groaning. Dib laughs and raises his hand, revealing that the tack was tapped to his hand.

Dib: Joke's on you, Zim! Now you have to find a cure for the bologna thing!

Zim: Huh?

Zim snatches the tack from Dib's hand.

Zim: Fool! You think I would share the cure with you? I'll find a cure and keep it all to myself and then watch you transform more and more into what you really are deep down in your heart!

Dib: Deep down I'm bologna?

Zim: Yes.

Dib: That's just dumb.

Zim: Dumb like a moose, Dib. Dumb like a moose!

Zim scampers off.

Dib: Hey wait! The cure!

More dogs run towards Dib. Dib starts running away. The dogs follow him. Zim enters his house. Cut to the lab where Zim sits at a monitor screen, out of disguise. His face is somewhat swollen. The monitor screen shows the bologna DNA reaction inside of him. Zim moans.

Zim: No! The reaction is much quicker inside of me! It's worse than I imagined! Computer, quickly engineer a serum to reverse the effects of the mutagine!

Computer: Command voice not recognized. Intruder present.

Zim: Intruder? I am Zim! Run a scan to verify that I am Zim!

Computer: Bio scan verification complete. Intruder is Bologna.

The computer shows an image of bologna. That image reflects in Zim's eyes as he stares in horror. Out of the ceiling, mechanical arms lower to get Zim. One of the arms grabs Zim. Cut to Dib's house. Zim sits in the kitchen resting his head on hand. He is now more bloated than before. Gaz grabs a chunk from his head and eats it. The doorbell rings. Dib walks over to the door and opens it. Zim stands there, just as bloated as Dib. the sound of dogs barking can be heard.

Zim: The dogs! After my juicy meat body of bologna meat!

Dib: Zim! What are you doing here?

Zim: My base, my labs, they don't think I'm really me! The transformation is so bad it sees me as a different creature now! I must use your labs!

Dib: You want to use my labs?

Zim: It's the only way! I must find the cure! Quickly, the dogs! Listen to them!

A dog howls.

Zim: You know, it would benefit you as well.

Zim sweats.

Dib: Just this once... We work together!

An unseen spotlight lights Dib up.

Dib: Mortal enemies working together for the common goal!

Zim: Be quiet!

Cut to Dib's lab. Dib opens a cupboard and pulls out some beakers full of liquid. Dib hands the beakers to Zim. Zim pours them into a bowl. The mixture causes an explosion. Dib and Zim's fried bodies fly back and hit the wall. Cut to Zim injecting bologna with a liquid. The bologna melts. A metal arm sticks a container full of liquid into a device. The device spins the container. A monitor screen displays the words 'Analyzing Data.' The words become 'Analysis Complete.' Those words are replaced by 'Fatal.' Zim falls to the ground, groaning. Cut to Zim lifting up a beaker full of liquid. Zim is even more bloated than Dib now. He is now shaped like a sausage.

Zim: Finally! I think we've done it!

Dib grunts as he snatches the beaker from Zim and chugs it down. The liquid speeds up the process and Dib becomes as bloated and sausage shaped as Dib. Zim gasps.

Dib: Oh, you rotten alien monster!

Dib drops the beaker and it shatters on the ground.

Zim: This inferior equipment! Irken babies play with more advanced toys!

Dib: Hey! We wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for your stupid evil! This is all your fault!

Dib chases Zim. They wobble as they run. They run down a hallway. Dib pushes Zim into a tube but ends up falling in too. They fall through the tube which sends them outside of the house.

Dib: Now what, Zim? What's your next plan?

They look up and see they are surrounded by lots of dogs.

Zim: Let's run screaming.

They run screaming. The dogs follow, barking. Cut to an old abandoned dilapidated house. The dogs have surrounded the house. Inside the house, Zim and Dib sit on a chair, now completely bologna sausages. Flies buzz around them.

Dib: You jerk.