Door to Door (edited)

The word 'Civics' is written on Ms. Bitters' chalk board.

Ms. Bitters: There. Add a card to represent the overworked educational system.

Mongo Slunchy hangs from the ceiling, suspended by a rope tied around his waist. He carefully sets a playing card on top of a building constructed of playing cards that is resting on Dib's desk.

Ms. Bitters: Now, add the dead weight of students like you.

Mongo adds a stack of playing cards to the top of the playing card building.

Ms. Bitters: So, you can see, children, that our whole society's nothing more than a perilous house of cards.

The card building wobbles and falls apart, creating a big pile of cards on Dib's desk.

Ms. Bitters: Destined to collapse under its own weight!

Dib's desk creaks under the weight of the pile of cards and then collapses.

Ms. Bitters: Dib! The warranty on your desk has worn out. Get a replacement from the pile.

Dib: Yes, ma'am.

Dib gets out of his chair and walks towards a large pile of assorted garbage at the back of the class. We see that all the other classmates don't have desks either. They sit at a variety of objects ranging from logs, tires, crates, and even a pig.

Ms. Bitters: Well children... As you know, the desk budget for this year has run out, but the skool board has given you a chance to lessen your misery!

Dib drags a trashcan over to where his desk was. A rat jumps out of the trashcan and clings to his face, squealing.

Ms. Bitters: Lights!

The lights go out. The chalk board opens up revealing the view screen behind it. It plays a countdown starting from 3. The rat can be heard squealing and Dib can be heard screaming. Once the countdown ends, the screen changes to an image of a man in a dog costume and a clown suit holding a can of Poop soda. It cuts to that same guy in a dog suit in a vandalized alleyway. The camera zooms out a little too far for a second so that the studio it was filmed in is visible before the camera zooms back in. Poop Dawg chucks the can of Poop he is holding. In the background, rap music plays.

Poop Dawg: Word up, kids! This is Poop Dawg! The Poop Cola gangsta clown with a little fund raiser! Do you wanna go magnet with da moneys?

Children in the video cheer.

Hoggo McStink: What does that mean?

Melvin leans forward in his desk.

Students: Hmmm?

Poop Dawg lifts up a box of Poop Cola Candy.

Poop Dawg: Then jack this box of Poop Cola Candy! It's the great taste of Poop Cola wrapped in a layer of chocolate madness!

Poop Dawg holds up a bar of Poop Cola Candy.

Kids in video: Oooooooh!

Poop Dawg: Every bar you sell earns money for your skool, but what's in it for you? Prizes, prizes, pra-zises!

As Poop Dawg says prizes, the sound of a cash register bell is heard. Brian and Aki glance at each other.

Students: Hmmm?

Poop Dawg: Sell 100 bars and you win a-

Dubbed over voice: Adhesive medical strips.

Zim glares at Poop Dog questioningly.

Poop Dawg: Sell 1,000 you when a crash helmet!

Students: Ooooh!

Poop Dawg: Sell 10,000 you when an electro scooter!

Students: Ahhhhh!

Poop Dawg: At 500,000, ya get a hover craft-

Students: Wow!

Poop Dog: -Plus the helmet, plus a box of-

Dubbed over voice: Adhesive medical strips.

Students: Woooah! Wow! Cool!

Zim: Garbage! That hover craft is a joke of engineering and that helmet would never protect your brain from lasers!

Poop Dawg: And if you all think you's all something wit da top sellies, and, wit... I can't do this....

Director: Cut!

The film stops and starts again at a fresh take.

Poop Dawg: The top prize is something your bu- bu- bu- brain won't believe!

Zim: Nonsense.

Poop Dawg: It's so amazing, it's a secret!

Zim runs to the front of the class.

Zim: Secret!?!

Zim climbs on Ms. Bitters' desk.

Zim: What are you hiding, dog man!?! Tell me! Tell me!

Poop Dawg: Good luck my fellow Poop slices!

The video cuts to an image of a man choking.

Voice: Warning, candy made entirely of sawdust.

Zim: Secret? Yes of course, but what could it be? What!?! What!?! I must posses this secret prize!

Ms. Bitters growls at Zim while drooling.

Dib: Ms. Bitters, why don't they take the money they spent on candy and prizes and use it to buy desks?

Ms. Bitters holds Zim off the ground by his shirt collar.

Ms. Bitters: That answer wasn't in the video.

The sunrises the next morning over the residential area of the city. A car drives by. Sunlight brightens the surroundings. Rider of Bikes bicycles by the house delivering newspapers. Inside one of the houses, a cat naps. The camera fades to later on that morning. The cat now licks itself while an old woman in the garden plants flowers that she takes out from inside a wheel barrel full of soil. At another house, Frank Conniff walks out drinking a cup of coffee. He lifts his cup of coffee as a greetings to his next door neighbor who is using a hose to water his lawn. The next door neighbor waves to Frank. Rider of Bikes drives by as a neighbor from across the street sets out garbage bags. Dramatic music plays as students walk down the street carrying boxes of Poop Candy. One neighbor mows his lawn. Frank looks at his newspaper as he sips his coffee. The kids start running towards the houses. A man who is hunched over in the street talking to a woman who is in her car notices the children who are running towards him, kicking up dirt as they run. The man gasps.

Man: Fundraising! Children!

Lasers start to fire. The woman in her car drives off. The crowd of children rush past the man. Smeedge takes money from his pocket as she runs by. The guy who was mowing his lawn runs inside his house with the lawn mower. Maddy runs up to the door and kicks it. Frank notices the kids and he drops his coffee and runs inside just as Spoo and Sara run up to his door. Sara bangs on his door. The neighbor who was watering his lawn drops the hose and runs when he sees Melvin and Smet running towards him. The woman who was driving her car pulls into her garage. She sighs with relief. Suddenly, Billy Slunchy pops up from the back seat holding a bar of Poop Candy. She screams and pushes up against the door. The Letter M is still walking through the street carrying a big box of the candy. A man who is running from some children runs by, knocking down The Letter M. Zim and GIR (who is disguised as a human child) walk down the side walk. GIR has a large box of Poop Cola Candy balanced on his head while Zim carries a smaller box.

Zim: Then that horrible man-dog hybrid taunted us by not revealing the secret prize!

GIR starts walking on the stone wall around the house that the old woman who was gardening lives in. The old woman watches Zim and GIR walking down the street from inside her window. She holds her cat under her arm. She pulls down her blinds.

Zim: It must be something of unimaginable power, GIR!

Zim and GIR walk past Dib. Dib is leaning against a lamp post sipping Poop cola from a juice container. He is sweating. An empty box of Poop Cola Candy lays next to him along with one of the larger boxes. Dib stops drinking and shakes the empty box.

Dib: Hey Zim! I sold a whole box at my dad's lab! Beat that!

Zim: So, you're trying to beat me to the prize, is that it?

Zim pulls out a bar of Poop Cola Candy from the box he is carrying and examines it.

Zim: Just more proof of its strategic value.

Dib runs up and snatches the candy bar from Zim.

Dib: The only reason I'm selling this dirt in a wrapper is to watch you fail at something else, Zim!

Dib laughs. Zim glances at the candy bars in the box he is carrying. Dib takes a sip of his Poop. He hits the bottom of the box Zim is carrying so that all the candy bars fly out and hit Zim. Zim groans. Dib then squirts some Poop from his juice container. Dib points at Zim and laughs. He starts walking away and he stops to point and laugh at the disguised GIR. Zim kneels down to pick up the candy bars.

Zim: I can sell these horrible candies better than any human!

Dib picks up his large box of Poop Cola Candy and walks off.

Zim: Just watch!

GIR: Why is his head so big!?! Why's his head so big!?!

Zim: Just follow my lead!

Zim gets up and walks through the front gate of the old woman's house. He walks up the pathway leading to her front door. He knocks on it. She looks through the peep hole of her door and sees Zim poking his head into view. Zim lifts up a bar of Poop Cola Candy into view. The old woman picks up a baseball bat and opens the inner door but not the outer door.

Zim: Please ma'am, if you don't buy my candy, my little brother will go insane.

GIR starts break dancing on the large box of Poop Cola Candy. The old woman opens the outer door and steps out, hiding the baseball bat behind her back. GIR stands on his head and his body starts spinning. It spins faster and faster and launches off of his head. The old woman screams.

Old woman: Good heavens, he's worse than I thought! Please, of course I'll buy some candy.

She leans the baseball bat against the wall and reaches into her pocket for money. GIR's body crashes to the ground in front of her. The old woman sets some cash inside Zim's box of Poop Cola Candy and grabs one of the candy bars. She peels the wrapper and takes a bite.

Old woman: Mmmm!

She takes another bite. She then starts gumming the rest of it in her mouth.

Old Woman: Mmm!

She starts coughing and the candy bar flies out of her mouth. She drops the wrapper and puts her hands around her neck. She starts coughing up saw dust onto GIR's body. She gets on her knees and coughs up more and more.

Zim: Mmm hmm, that's the saw dust.

GIR's body starts wriggling its arms and legs. GIR's body leans forward and gets up. The old woman points at it and opens her door. She kicks GIR's body away and starts crawling back inside. She shuts the door behind her and GIR's body runs up and starts banging on the door. Zim lifts up a dollar.

Zim: Hmmm, she only bought one of these horrible things! You'll just have to try harder, GIR!

Zim grabs GIR's body and walks over towards the large box of Poop Cola Candy. On his way, he drops GIR's body into the old woman's wheel barrel. Zim continues to the box and picks it up. GIR's head is still resting on top of it. He walks back to the wheel barrel and sets the box on it. GIR's body leans forward as Zim grabs the wheel barrels' handles and starts wheeling it out of the front gate and along the sidewalk. The old woman's bushes in the front yard set on fire due to the hot sun. Eggs sizzle on the walkway of another neighbor's house because GIR is dropping eggs onto the sidewalk from a container of eggs he holds. His head is back on and he balances the big box of Poop Cola Candy on his head again. Zim holds a smaller box and knocks on the front door. A sweaty woman answers the door holding a baby. The woman fans herself off with the baby as it cries. She drops the baby and screams. Zim holds up a candy bar. The baby leaps back into her arms. The woman shuts the door. The Spooky Chihuahua pops into view from behind the wheel barrel. It climbs into the wheel barrel with an egg in its mouth. Zim makes confused noises. Zim and GIR look behind themselves and see the Spooky Chihuahua toss the egg into its mouth. They stare at it for a second before they toss what they are holding into the air and run screaming. The spooky Chihuahua licks its lips. Cut to Zim holding a candy bar up to another neighbor, who is shaking angrily. Zim looks behind himself and sees that GIR has made a dozen snow angles in his lawn, except in his grass instead of with snow. Cut to a sign that shows a man with a whistle holding up a sign that says 'STOP' 'KEEP OFF GRASS.' The neighbor who was watering his lawn sprays Zim with his hose. Zim is cornered against garbage cans trying to block the stream of water with his arms. He starts yelling at the neighbor. GIR runs along the sidewalk along the outside of the skool playground, no longer carrying the large box on his head. Zim follows, carrying the big box. He is struggling to keep walking. He finally collapses. GIR jumps into the air and into the box that now rests on top of Zim. He shovels candy bars into his mouth. A little while later, some crows fly from their perch on a street lamp. Zim sits on the curb as GIR continues to shovel candy into his mouth. He starts coughing and then continues to shovel more.

Zim: I don't understand! Today has been a horrible failure! GIR! Don't eat that filth!

Zim picks up one of the candy bars.

Zim: It is the key to the mystery of the prize!

GIR: The mystery of the prize...

Liquid Poop candy pours from GIR's mouth. Zim hold the candy bar up in the air and turns it around to read the warning label. It shows a drawing of a face coughing up sawdust and says 'Warning: Consume Sawdust.' A drop of melted chocolate drips from the candy bar. Zim groans.

Zim: This miserable Earth sun!

Zim puts down the candy bar and stares at the sun. The three crows seen earlier fly in the air. One of the crows sets fire and plummets downward.

Zim: Even Sirus Minor didn't orbit such a horrible star! So hot!

Zim starts hallucinating in the heat.

Poop Dawg: Zim!

Zim starts looking down. He sees the lamp posts melting in the heat.

Poop Dawg: Ziiim!

Poop Dawg floats towards Zim. He is wearing Grim Reaper robes over his Poop Dawg suit. His face isn't visible since he is wearing his hood.

Poop Dawg: I have come for you!

Zim: Huh? What is this!?! Who are you!?!

Poop Dawg: I am-

Zim: Who are you!?!

Poop Dawg: I am-

Zim: Who are you!?!

Poop Dawg: I am Poop Dog!

Poog Dawg lifts his hood revealing his face.

Poop Dawg: The gangsta specter of defeat, in effect! And you will never win the mystery prize, fool!

Poop Dawg laughs.

Zim: What is this miraculous prize thing!?!

Zim tugs on Poop Dawg's robes.

Poop Dawg: I aint tellin', yo!

Zim climbs up Poop Dawg's robes while making nervous squeaking noises.

Zim: Does it defy the laws of time and space? Can it alter the minds of sentient beings!?! Is it the key to controlling all mankind?

Poop Dog flings Zim off of him. Zim hits a fence and falls to the ground.

Poop Dawg: The prize will never be yours, Zim! So say the gangsta specter of defeat!

Zim: I will not give up... Poop Dawg! Never!

Poop Dawg laughs.

Poop Dawg: Yo!

Poop Dawg laughs. Zim gets up and grabs GIR by his feet. He grunts as he spins around and chucks GIR at Poop Dawg. GIR goes through Poop Dawg and hits Dib who stands in Poop Dawg's place. Poop Dawg fades away. Dib falls to the ground and grunts. An empty box of Poop Cola Candy lies in the distance. He knocks GIR off of him, who leaves a trail of chocolate as he falls to the side. Dib grabs his stomach.

Dib: Jeez, Zim! I haven't even done anything to you yet!

Dib groans. GIR makes squeaky noises as he walks over towards Zim.

Zim: Get out of here Gangsta of defeat! be gone with you!

Dib gets up and brushes himself off.

Dib: Man, Zim! Defeat's made you crazy!

Zim makes hand motions indicating for Dib to leave. Zim's mirage ends and he sees Dib walk off, dragging his empty box.

Zim: Of course! That has been my mistake all along!

GIR slowly eats another candy bar.

Zim: I've been trying to sell like a miserable human! GIR!

A splat of chocolate shoots from GIR's mouth and hits Zim in the face. GIR goes into serious mode and saluts Zim.

GIR: Yes, my lord!

Zim wipes the chocolate from his face.

Zim: I will use inferior fund raising techniques no longer!

GIR returns to normal. GIR pulls off his child disguise head. A balloon with the one-eyed Irken symbol starts to inflat from his antenna.

Zim: Now watch as I unleash the full power of Irken persuasion!

Zim grabs the balloon from GIR's head.

GIR: Yaaaaay I'm gonna be sick!

GIR hugs Zim and starts drooling chocolate. Cut to a run-down house where the Grout Family lives. A TV inside shows a monster truck running over rows of cars. Mr. and Mrs. Grout sit on the couch. They look like cavemen. The woman chews on a bone. Two children in the corner shovel Vienna wieners/roaches into their mouths. A roach climbs up the wall. Zim kicks the door in and stands in the doorway holding a briefcase in one hand and a Poop Cola Candy bar in the other.

Zim: Human residents! I have come selling candy!

 

The acne blast commercial plays on the TV.

Mr. Grout: Huh?

Zim walks up in front of their TV.

Zim: I am selling candy for your local skool, and you will buy some!

He tosses the candy bar to the couple. Mrs. Grout picks it up. GIR follows in his child costume with the large candy box on his head. GIR dumps the box onto the floor. Zim sets his briefcase on top of the TV. The top slides open revealing some devices. Mr. Grout grunts.

Mr. Grout: We don't want any government candy!

Mrs. Grout: We don't want none of your government candy!

Mrs. Grout tosses the candy bar and it hits Zim in the head.

Zim: Yes you do.

Zim lifts up one of the devices from the briefcase. He presses a button and the other small devices shoot into the air and fly around the room. They attach to all the family member's heads and expand over them to form the same type of helmet that Zim has in his Irken Utility Pack, except without the telescoping eyes. Mr. Grout feels the helmet on his head. A commercial for Bloaty's Pizza Hog flashes, followed by a commercial for the Krazy Taco plays on the TV.

Zim: Now, see a world in which you do not buy my delicious treats!

 

Zim presses a button on the device he holds and a red knob on each of the helmets lights up. They see a virtual reality version of the streets near the Skool. Zim stands on the sidewalk near a cat. A large monster holding a hooked stick stands in the street.

 

Zim: All that you know and love lies in ruins!

 

Zim snickers, then fades away. A man runs into view. The cat grows spider legs and scuttles off. Another one of the monsters walks into view. The man runs but slips on a toy pig across the street. In the background, an open cage hangs in the air and another monster stands. The monster standing in the street catches the man with his hooked stick and flings him into the cage. The cage door closes and the cage moves away. The monster in the distance stands in front of a line of captured and chained humans. The skool is in ruins and smashed to the ground and Irkens stand in hover platforms. The Irken Armada can be seen in the distance. Cut back to the real world. Mr. Grout screams and gets on his knees. He tries to cover his eyes.

 

Mr. Grout: It's horrible!

 

He screams some more. Cut back to the virtual reality world. The skool lies in ruins. Irkens stand among the debris. GIR sits on the debris of the skool holding the same balloon seen earlier. An Irken holds an Irken Flag. In the center of the ruined skool, a little girl sits on some books holding a doll.

Little girl: I just wanted a skool desk of my own!

A mutant creature with a flaming head grabs her by her head and lifts her off the ground. She screams.

Mutant: Bwaaains!

The mutant grabs the doll from the girl and starts eating it. The mutant then shoves the little girl into its thong. Zim warps into the virtual reality world.

Zim: This horrible tragedy can be prevented if, and only if, you surrender your money to me, and buy my candy!

Zim's tongue slithers across the screen.

Mutant: Pweeeease? For the childwen!

Mr. Grout (voice only): We'll buy your candy! We'll buy your candy!

Cut back to the real world.

Man: We'll buy your candy!

Mr. Grout grabs a handful of candy bars.

Mr. Grout: We'll buy your candy! We'll buy your candy!

Mr. Grout starts shoveling handfuls of candy.

Mr. Grout: We'll buy it! We'll buy your candy!

Mrs. Grout: Just stop this horrifying future from ever happening!

Zim: Yes! Witness my victory, Poop beast!

Zim walks over towards the family's TV, which is playing a WHUH 6 news report on Bloaty of Bloaty's Pizza Hog. Zim pulls down a curtain that reveals a large window. He then kicks away the TV revealing that Poop Dawg in his gangsta specter of defeat ropes is watching them from the outside. Zim points at Poop Dawg and laughs. GIR eats Vienna wieners/roaches with the two children. Cut to the house of the neighbor who was watering his lawn. Zim sprays that neighbor with his own hose. The neighbor also wears one of those helmets. Cut to the hose of the woman who fanned herself with her baby. She is on her knees screaming, wearing one of the helmets. Zim holds her baby, laughing at it. The baby yanks on Zim's tongue. A delivery man for Poop Cola Candy wheels a couple of boxes of Poop Cola Candy over to the old woman's front door. The old woman lies on the ground wearing one of the helmets. The delivery man hands a clipboard and pen to Zim. Cut to Zim and GIR in the back of the delivery truck. Several children are gathered around on their knees wearing helmets. Zim flips through some cash. He picks up the baseball bat that belonged to the old woman and bangs the side of the delivery truck. The delivery man, who is now wearing a helmet, starts up the delivery truck. As the truck starts moving, Zim dumps out one of the boxes of candy to the children. The scramble to get candy. The small devices that transform into helmets shoot through the city. The bell rings at skool. A jar sits on Ms. Bitters' desk with a few dollars and coins in it. There is also a stack of coins on her desk. All of the children have desks again.

Ms. Bitters: Children, your performance was miserable. Your parents will all receive phone calls instructing them to love you less now.

Students: Awww....

Ms. Bitters: But, in a shocking display of skool spirit, Dib has come in first by selling 100 candy bars. Congratulations, you win a-

Dubbed over voice: Adhesive medical strips.

Ms. Bitters hands a box of Bacon Scented Boo Boos to Dib.

Dib: First place! Take that, space boy!

Cut to Zim's desk. It is empty.

Dib: Hey, where's Zim?

Dib's box of Boo Boos starts shaking. The jar of cash and the stack of coins also shake. The coin stack tips over. The door bulges. Cash piles up on the other side of the door. The door bursts open and cash pours into the classroom. Zim grunts as he pops hi head out of the cash pile, holding a fistful of money. He grunts as he losses his balance and tumbles down the pile. He stands up.

Zim: Hmmm...

Dib is speechless.

Zim: I am here, Dib worm, and I have sold over 1.2 million revolting candy units!

Zim drops his fistful of money. Zim walks over to Ms. Bitters, who is holding a package. She hides the package behind her back.

Zim: I am prepared to receive the power of the mystery prize! GIVE TO ZIM!

Ms. Bitters: Well, this has never happened before.

Ms. Bitters prepares to tear open the package.

Ms. Bitters: Zim, your prize is-

Ms. Bitters tears open the package. Zim grunts in anticipation and wriggles his fingers. Ms. Bitters examines a piece of paper that was inside the package.

Ms. Bitters: Your prize is nothing.

Zim's eyes widen.

Ms. Bitters: There is no mystery prize! they just made it up to make kids work harder for no money.

Zim: Eh?

Ms. Bitters: As a consolation, here's some tuna.

Ms. Bitters pulls a can of tuna out of the package and hands it to Zim. Zim lifts the can of tuna into the air.

Zim: Curse you Poop Dawg! Curse yoooou!

A shockwave of energy shoots from the can of tuna and through the class. It causes Brian, Dib, Sara, Aki, Rob, Melvin, Zita, and Mathew P. Mathers III's desks to tip over. It also causes Chunk to shoot upward into the ceiling and Tae's desk to set on fire. Cut to Poop Dawg in his gangsta specter of defeat robes. He laughs evilly and then coughs.

High pitched voice: Poop Dawg, Poop Dawg, Poop Dawg, Poop Daaaawg!